Fooled.

Monday 24th August - i'm really fat. really really fat. I also miss certain people like craaazy. I hate men.
I can't c hose a favourite this time.

001.
"Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time working, I could laugh at his jokes - I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?"
--"Or maybe you could just be you, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you."

002.
I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there'll be risks but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should be only half alive, half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am - standing in your doorway. I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?

003.
I wish someone would tell me something incredibly profound. I wish my heart would beat beat beat in time with theirs and things I want to say wouldn't get caught in my throat like my hair gets caught in my fingers and ties itself into knots. I wish the voice in my head didn’t say the things it does, because of all the people I can trust in the world I shouldn't be one of them. That's why I listen to music louder than the sounds of the late-night television programs like poker competitions and bad films starring bad actors. And in the middle of the cacophony of sounds the only thoughts I can hear are the singer's, the whisperer's, the poet's, infinitely better and wiser. Wiser even than the stars. I bet they don't trust themselves either. I bet lots of people don't when they've fallen down the rabbit hole and felt a heartbreak or three. Boys didn't break my heart you know, I did. I break it all the time. I'm breaking it right now and I don't even know why.

004.
"I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain, and all these feelings and nobody's really paying attention."
--"You think I just want attention?"
"No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain."
--"Oh right. Cause the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler."
"You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own."

005.
"It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps. And I loved you. 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own."

006.

Isn't it odd how much fatter a book gets when you've read it several times? As if something were left between the pages every time you read it. Feelings, thoughts, sounds, smells...and then, when you look at the book again many years later, you find yourself there, too, a slightly younger self, slightly different, as if the book had preserved you like a pressed flower...both strange and familiar.

007.

You are a little marionette, gliding across the floor scuffed from tap shoe shuffles, your pink silken slipper whispering as you glissade, plié, pirouette. You are tulle and satin tutus, tight buns and bruised knees, your ankles aching with power from dancing en pointe. Graceful power. The music begins and you dance- the tiny, rotating figure in this grand music box. Today you are a tiny Thumbelina being, tomorrow a Swan Princess. Juliet, a sorceress, a spirit. A ballerina dancing with her soul exposed.

008.

What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today. And you don't feel eleven at all. You feel like you're still ten. And you are—underneath the year that makes you eleven. Like some days you might say something stupid, and that's the part of you that's still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama's lap because you're scared, and that's the part of you that's five. And maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay. That's what I tell Mama when she's sad and needs to cry. Maybe she's feeling three. Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That's how being eleven years old is.

009.

You are the light up ahead at the end of the road. When I look in your eyes, it feels like I'm home. I need this night. Yes it's late, but the morning will come. As you fall fast asleep with your head on my chest, I watch you breathe in and out as you're finding your rest. I need this night. Yes it's late, but the morning will come.

010.

I don't mean to scare you but I have not been sleeping lately, and phone calls aren't doing much to help. So if it's all the same, I'd just ask to never offer another explanation or excuse again. We'll make-believe that everyday we make our lives seem like there's too much living. But we find out in the end it's only us we've been kidding.

011.

It's those moments when you drive around in a car full of friends around a town too small for you. You gasp for breath between laughs. It's those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lung starting to get cold. For a second, that one split second, you don't care at all. You don't care about school, about parents or about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it's all we really need isn't it? Those kids next to you, the ones who make you feel invincible even at your weakest points.

012.

I should have known that we'd never get anywhere. You can't fall in love when you're falling apart. And you can't make amends if you're only making mistakes. Empty words can't fix a broken heart.

013.

You can love someone so much. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.

014.
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.

015.
Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake. The truth is there's gonna be other guys out there. I mean, I hope, but I'm never gonna get another first love. That one's always gonna be him.

016.

Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all.

017.

"When we first started out, I had a really big issue and a lot of my loved ones had a really big issue with the fact that I was totally in pain up there and there was a time when I tried to hurt myself off stage, but I got over that. Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person and I think that that is going to be a lot of what the next record is about, not to plug it or anything. Like, it’s going to talk about dying and coming back to become what you totally want to become. We are all becoming what we want to become."

018.

"It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

019.

You'll find me at the end of my rope, hanging on your every word. I'm finally getting the hang of getting hung up on people like you.

020.
I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society.

021.
You don't love me. You don't know me. You love who you think I am. If you knew me, you wouldn't love me. And don't try to pretend you know me, because I don't even know myself.

022.
I’d have to tell him everything, I knew that. I’d have to explain it right, so he’d know I wasn’t settling that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but he’d need to know the extent of it. He’d need to know everything before he made a decision about me.

023.
"Well, that's very nice. I'm glad. Well here's...
here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly
concerned with whether or not you like me,
because I live to like you and... and I can't like
you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real
low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump
you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe
for the first time in your life I won't be there."
- © Pretty in Pink

024.

Take chances, alot of them.
Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with who,
It always ends up the way it should be.
Your mistakes make you who you are.
You learn and grow with each choice you make.
Everything is worth it. say how you feel. always be you..
And be okay with it.

025.

I can't believe I just gave up. I just let you drop out of my life. I tried to make you stay, then one day it got too hard and I saw what you really wanted was a life without me. So I gave up and now you're really gone. I wish I could make you come back but tears, wishes and remininscing do nothing but make my heart break a little bit more.